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Am I a lesbian if I fantasize about women?


Advice Q & A with Desiree Spierings

Sex Therapist and Relationship Counsellor

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The Q

I’m a woman and I secretly fantasize about other women sexually? I’ve done it for most of my life, but consider myself heterosexual. Is this normal or could I be a lesbian?

The A

It is perfectly normal to have sexual fantasies and very common to have fantasies of the opposite sex. However, fantasizing about the opposite sex does not necessarily tell you anything about your sexuality, or about what you want to experience in real life. Fantasies are just that – they are fantasies!

However, it could come in handy for you to know about Kinsey’s 7 point scale. He conceptualized that sexual identity could fall on a seven point continuum, from exclusively heterosexual (0), to exclusively homosexual (6). A person in the middle of the scale (3) would be bisexual. He used both behaviour and fantasies to assign the ratings. He also claims that it can change or fluctuate throughout someone’s life.

So if we look at your situation, in terms of your sexuality, you may be completely heterosexual when it comes to your behaviour at this moment, but because of your fantasies, you might say your score is a ‘1’ on Kinsey’s scale, instead of a ‘0’ (heterosexual), but still not a ‘3’ (bisexual).

Meaning, you are completely heterosexual in terms of your behaviour, but you do have some same-sex fantasies.


Advice Q & A with Desiree Spierings. Ask Desiree a question.

Desiree Spierings is the Director of Sexual Health Australia and is a qualified and experienced Sex Therapist and Relationship Counsellor. She believes it is important to recognize that there is no ‘normal' sexuality and that normality is defined by individuals depending on their sex, sexuality, culture, religion, personality, upbringing, language and creativity. She has a BA/Psychology from Macquarie University, a PG/Dip in Psychology from Macquarie University, and a Master Health Sciences/Sexual Health from Sydney University. Her PG/Dip research was on rejection and she is currently conducting her literature review for her PhD on infidelity.


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